Jesus Chronicles Or Something To That Affect
by smellslikecarcass
Summary: What kind of crazy  and completely fictional  antics has  Jesus gotten himself into this time? A messy love triangle?  You betcha! Does it involve pop sensation Aaron Carter?  You bet your bottom dollar it does!
1. Chapter 1

**Jesus Chronicles or Something to That Affect**

**By SmellsLikeCarcass**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the mentioned personalities, celebrities, or prominent figures. Everything you will read is entirely fictional. Any similarities to any living person is completely coincidental.**

* * *

><p><span>Chapter One<span>

Jesus dated Santa for 10 years before Jesus decided that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship. Jesus shortly afterward met his current boyfriend Jerry Springer through mutual friend Joan Rivers. Jesus and Jerry have been dating for the past 8 years. Jesus has also recently started having an affair with Aaron Carter, who is currently dating Jesse McCartney. Aaron and Jesus met at a party where Aaron was promoting his album. Jesus was really drunk that night so naturally the two hit it off.

Jesus fears that Jerry Springer is cheating on him. Jesus is indeed correct. Jerry Springer is having an affair of his own with Bob Saget. Jesus has enlisted the help of the show Cheaters to catch Jerry in the act.

Meanwhile…

Santa is doing everything in his power to win Jesus back. Santa has missed Jesus ever since Mrs. Claus left him for Jack Frost. Santa has begged Jesus to go on the Maury Show so that they can work out their feelings but Jesus has loyalty to the Jerry Springer Show so he refuses.

Jesus has been asked to appear on an upcoming episode of Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen. Santa has bought a ticket to be in the audience so he is waiting to make his move until then.

During his appearance on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen Jesus announces that he is pregnant with Jerry Springer's baby. Jesus in fact has no idea if the baby is Jerry's or Aaron Carter's.

Santa upon hearing this news screams "You Bitch!" and flees the set in tears. Everyone at home takes a sip of their alcohol because the secret word was bitch.

Jerry Springer meanwhile is watching the show from Bob Saget's bedroom. Jerry Springer and Bob Saget exchange a look, and Bob Saget places a hand on his protruding stomach. Bob Saget is pregnant with Jerry Springer's baby.

Jesus comes home later that night to an empty home and a box of chocolates from Aaron Carter sitting on his kitchen table. There's a card attached.

_Dear Jesus,_

_If the baby is mine, I'm here for you. _

_Love, _

_Aaron Carter _

After reading the note Jesus bursts into tears.


	2. Chapter 2

**Jesus Chronicles or Something to That Affect**

**By SmellsLikeCarcass**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the mentioned personalities, celebrities, or prominent figures. Everything you will read is entirely fictional. Any similarities to any living person is completely coincidental.**

* * *

><p><span>Chapter Two<span>

After the initial shock of hearing the news of Jesus' pregnancy, Jerry Springer leaped out of Bob Saget's bed and began pacing the room. His mind was racing and sweat was forming on his thighs irritating his chub-rub. The pain got so bad that he had to sit down. He then allowed Bob Saget to rub ointment on him to relieve his pain.

"We should elope." Jerry announces as Bob massages ointment onto Jerry's thighs.  
>"Are you sure? What about Jesus?"<br>Bob stops rubbing and stares into Jerry's eyes.  
>"I love you more. Besides Jesus is cheating on me with Aaron Carter."<br>"He is? How do you know?"  
>"I've always known. Jesus isn't as sneaky as he thinks he is. I've found numerous leopard print Speedos in our laundry. Jesus is going to force me to marry him in a big public ceremony, divorce me, and make me pay child support for the rest of my life."<p>

Bob Saget gets up and waddles quickly into the kitchen. He returns a minute later carrying two glasses of pinot grigio. He hands one to Jerry and the two guzzle down their glasses quickly.

"Is that better?" Bob asks with somewhat slurred speech. Bob Saget becomes intoxicated easily.  
>"Much. Alcohol fixes everything, let's get married."<p>

Around the same time that that's happening…

Aaron Carter paces around his one bedroom studio apartment, which he shares with Jesse McCartney, smiling widely. He is the happiest he has ever been. Jesus is the love of his life and he is thrilled that Jesus is having his baby. Aaron is jumping up and down with excitement when Jesse McCartney walks into their apartment.

"What are you so happy about?" Jesse asks with a sort of bemusement.  
>The last time he had seen Aaron this happy was when they were at the Freaky Friday premier.<p>

"Nothing there was a spider I had to kill so I decided to jump up and down on it."

"Did you hear about Jesus being pregnant? Can you believe it? Jerry Springer is so old I was considering giving him a power chair for Christmas."

"Ha-Ha-Ha… Yeah Jerry Springer is a disgusting whore who doesn't know how to love someone."

"Did I miss something?"

It is at this point that Jesse McCartney takes on the role that in horror movies means he will either be the first to die, or the only one to survive and either way you don't care about him.

"No, Jerry Springer just called me fat once, but it's fine." Aaron Carter quickly stops talking before Jesse can tell that he's lying. Every time Aaron Carter lies he speaks in a Jersey accent.

Right as Aaron Carter starts speaking in a Jersey Accent but not in the Same Area…

Santa is laying in a McDonalds playground area clutching a poster for the movie Pretty in Pink and crying his eyes out. He is Duckie to Jesus' Molly Ringwald.


End file.
